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Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me, flirting😏
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.