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Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
oh u like geography? name every lake
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary