You Might Also Like
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.