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Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Mornin
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again