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Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Just why bro?!
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My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.