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6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
first you must answer his riddles
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.