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Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
In space, no one can hear…
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Someone just threatened to call me later
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…