Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”

Them: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘

Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.

Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉

Them: …many, many laws.

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

*smokes fat doobie*

*enters hotdog eating contest*

*sets Guinness World Record*

*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*

Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

Me- you said lets do Yoda together

H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE

M- VERY WRONG I WAS

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.

My scale: I thought you were on a diet.

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.