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[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary