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called in thicc to work this morning
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?