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He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I’m calling the cops.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
felt that
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist