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My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
*files a restraining order against reality*
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
This lady in my bowling league was just hammering strikes and someone asked her “what kind of performance enhancers did you take before this” and she just says “Applebees Wings” and then just blows another strike right down broadway
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.