You Might Also Like
Running from your problems is cardio .
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing