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Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.