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[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
necessity is the mother of invention
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*