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‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.