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My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Ken is short for chicken
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
You better wish for more oil
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor