You Might Also Like
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.