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My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
If you factor in the complimentary drinks, I only lost 3000 dollars at blackjack.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
i want it utterly assaulted.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Here to help
Damn what did I do next
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
(Every historical tour)
Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture
Me: Oh wow very cool
Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner