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Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
monday
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
#oldknees
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Many commentators say that vigilante groups are never the answer. But they clearly don’t know the masked Ecuadorian trio named “Acción Ortográfica Quito,” who roam the streets at night with a singular purpose: to correct all the spelling and grammar mistakes they find in graffiti
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.