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*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
#NeverForget
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
dictator is short for richard potato
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”