Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.

if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone

My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???

[first day as a judge]

ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!

GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe

“Moooooooo”

– bilingual donkey

That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.

Her: I made us cheeseburgers.

Me: uh oh.

What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”