Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.

Then I heard her stomach rumble.

That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt

– first person to cook a potato

It’s so cold that men who wear shorts outside in the winter are wearing TWO pairs of shorts

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong

HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug

ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear