Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3