Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?

a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”

I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.

Holy shit. What a moment.

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?

hey, alexa

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

Gotta love the Dead Kennedys

Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

Wife: You’re lost.

Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.

DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*

My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.