Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?