3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
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My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.