Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

Me: *Being strip searched*

Cop: The dancing really is not necessary

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

I love you, let me stand on your larynx.

– cats

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it