Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.

If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.

Godspeed, John Glenn

“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.

my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

God has abandoned us.

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever