Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably

I bought my friends an elephant for their room.

They said: Thank you.

I said: Please don’t mention it.

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.