(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
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A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.