Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.

[dark movie theater]

me: *opens soda can*

them:

me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*

them: Shhhh

me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*

Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

worst…sale…ever

*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.