3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
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Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
whatcha thinkin bout
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What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
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Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
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{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”