When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
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who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I needed a laugh this morning.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Before crowbars crows drank alone
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are