Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?

Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please

don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

Me: Can you help me with something?

Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.

Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…

Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.