[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
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Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Make me look younger
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Stop being racist to kettles.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
this was the best i’ve ever seen