Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.

Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?

*holds up 6 fingers* This many

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?

ME: She’s a real queen bee.

FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.

*a faint buzzing from my pocket*

ME: Dude, she’s right here.

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.

– a short history of responsibility

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.