Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll take this shovel. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean quicklime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one. The dead body one

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.

Certainly wasn’t me.

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome