Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Just act casual
Me:

I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.

*hears Christmas carolers*

Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

this… may be the greatest story ever told

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”

How all things should be taught/explained.

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard