Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”

Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”

*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*

My foot: I’LL GET IT

My brain: NO YOU IDIOT

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

I always thought a fortress was a female fort.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel

also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti

can you read it!!??

maan!

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

“Wait, let me explain..”

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.