Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”

-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.

It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure

“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.

“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

Jesus Christ lmao

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.

When your best mate counts as a desk too

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*