Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

White Castle for the Win

Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.

DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2

REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

Oh yeh? Explain this then

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

Once again not all heroes wear capes

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

Police: How are you feeling?

Me: I’m fine.

*polygraph explodes*

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

christening a ship with an overripe banana