Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

ㅤ

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

Scientists discover surface of Mars boring af

My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you

Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.

Guy – “Hey are you famous?”

Me – “No.”

Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”

Me – “I don’t speak English.”

Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”

Me – “The Ukraine.”

Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”

Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away

I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.