Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.

My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”

I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”

3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”

Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…