I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
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Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
We are the people our parents warned us about.