@Playing_Dad

[3am]
*nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he’s like a million years old.

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@Tups13

Eating Doritos and watching Judge Judy in my underpants.

Whoa! Dude!

Why is Judge Judy in my house? And why is she wearing my underpants??

@hazelmotes1

Pink Camouflage: for when you go pheasant hunting on the old cotton candy plantation.

@Mr_Kapowski

U.S. DEPT OF FORESTRY: Sir, we believe you’re hunting illegally

GUY IN ALL CAMO W/ ORANGE HAT: *takes off hat*

USDOF: Dammit we lost him

@notbedelia

If you play Titanic backwards it’s about a guy who rises from the sea, bangs a ginger and tries to throw her over the railing of a boat.

@SardonicTart

I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.

@undeadmolly

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

@caithuls

MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!

@jimmy_boston

Wife: Did you measure for carpet?
Me: Yeah, from the window
Wife: Don’t
Me: To the wall
Wife: Don’t
Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs!
*runs*

@ThisOneSayz

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”