Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

This is why I hate group projects

I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.

One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage

Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell