Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.

much to think about

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.