3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
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Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”