I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
*refuses to pick up toys*
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
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If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
What did the taxi driver say to the wolf?
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[dogs around campfire]
*flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time
Damn you bladder stop releasing my precious beer.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[sanitation worker knocks at my door]
The amount of McDonald’s related trash we’re collecting from your home each week has us concerned.
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE