@thepunningman
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
@rotten_mamma
3:Mommy why do I have to wear a coat, it’s not that cold out!?
Me:So other Moms don’t judge me and talk shit, Buddy.
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@thepunningman
@GreenScoundrel
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
@XLToast
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
@TheToddWilliams
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
@Emily_R_King
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
@SatansTongue
*slips a 20*
How about a private dance
“Okay let’s go”
*heads to private room*
“You ready?”
Oh hell yeah
*we both do the cha cha slide*
@totmessmom
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
@jackiembouvier
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
@miowoda
This is the funniest YouTube comment I’ve ever read.
@djdarrellripley
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.