@rotten_mamma

3:Mommy why do I have to wear a coat, it’s not that cold out!?

Me:So other Moms don’t judge me and talk shit, Buddy.

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@CooperLawrence

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

@darrinfb

To the 11 year old girl on FB with the relationship status “it’s complicated”

How can it be complicated? Did he take your animal crackers?

@JustDontBugMe

Her: Those ants are working so hard.
Me: We could learn from them.

Ant1: Humans are staring.
Ant2: Yes, they’ll spray some shit on us. Run!

@MarloMeekins

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.

@dahrae_

shout out to the guy at the asian grocery store line who turned around, looked me dead in the eyes, and said “i was there when the world ended,” sending me into immediate fear.

he was talking about final fantasy 14, and i was wearing my ff14 zip up.

@murrman5

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

@FrazzleMyGimp

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did

MOM: Where’s your father?

@DrakeGatsby

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.