Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…

…it’s just me, taking the stairs

Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

LOL

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?