Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future

2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Jesus: My moms a virgin.

Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

[Subway}

ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning