Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
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Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??