@stephenjmolloy

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

You Might Also Like

@Okeating

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

@Cali_Kid_Mike

“Love means never having to say your sorry.”

– someone who is very single

@weinerdog4life

Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost

@ghostkrogh

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

@djdarrellripley

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

@AnOrangeSNES

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO?! *Explodes and dies*

@deankarrier

People think life after having kids is filled with sleepless nights and constant cleaning. That’s not true. There’s also anxiety and fear

@KevinFarzad

It’s nice to know that even people who are running for President are shitty at answering “What is your greatest weakness?”

@julezmac

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no