Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
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“Love means never having to say your sorry.”
– someone who is very single
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO?! *Explodes and dies*
People think life after having kids is filled with sleepless nights and constant cleaning. That’s not true. There’s also anxiety and fear
It’s nice to know that even people who are running for President are shitty at answering “What is your greatest weakness?”
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no