@stephenjmolloy

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

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@FloodyHippie

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

@robdelaney

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

@Dawn_M_

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

@VerbsRProudest

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

@claudefacade

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

@Book_Krazy

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

@armyVet1972

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

@Beatonm5

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??