Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

😭😭😭😭

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.

[ first date ]

her: i want a partner that can open my heart

me: well i am a surge-

her: and never do anything to shock me

me: protector

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners

Happy to report that I have finally digested all the stuffing I ate since Thursday. Now onto to the mashed potatoes

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”