[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
You Might Also Like
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?