Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

Only short people can save us

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

ㅤ

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together