Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary

2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

Not to brag but I’ve stuck to my diet for the entire month of January.

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*

Them: You need to live in the present.

Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*

Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?

CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf

When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.

You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.