Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me

stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

NASA has no chill

Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!

Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty

Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though

Me: IT’S 2AM!

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–

I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!