3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
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Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
No. He’s not coming out to play
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I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:![]()
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
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reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.