Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!

– how I threaten my kids

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

Principal: Your son is a gamer

[Parents are visibly shaken]

Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.

Parents: OH THANK GOD

Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”