Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.

wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction

me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece

friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?

me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.

This hospital has everything

Me: No!

Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.

Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

🤫

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*