3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
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*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.