3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
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*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now