3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
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My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?