3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
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Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.