3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
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*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.