3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?😶
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
